i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He did a backflip because drugs
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
