She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
