drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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