I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
