no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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