I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
