Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
