at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
