My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
