I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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