Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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