Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
