It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
