when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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