Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
