Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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