yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
