fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize