Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
