just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
