I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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