you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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