I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
