i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
