she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
