Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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