So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
