pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
