You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
