woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize