Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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