Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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