You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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