Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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