Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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