Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
