and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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