I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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