dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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