So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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