I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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