You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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