U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
