I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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