I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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