Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
