The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize