Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
