my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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