In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
