I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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