I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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