A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize