dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
