Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize