I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
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