Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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