update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
