Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
