i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
