i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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