A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
