and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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