She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
