I could make wine with my vomit
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
